The Transformation
by Kiley S. Snape
Summary: I was a transfer student from the States...and I befriended the one and only Severus Snape and Lily Evans. I fell in love with Severus, but I never would have thought that we would go through a transformation as the years went by. Could we find the happiness we craved?
1. Chapter 1

The Transformation

_Chapter One  
_

I was lying out along the shore of the Black Lake, reveling in the feel the chill, albeit welcomed, English sun- when I heard the raucous laughter of the vexing Marauders. I looked up from my book and saw that Sirius Black and James Potter had cornered a thin, pale-faced boy against a large elm tree. Anger rose in my throat, I had heard plenty of what those immature gits did for fun; I drew my wand, and stormed over to them. By the time I got there, the poor boy was upside down and at the fate of Potter. "Let him go," I growled at the laughing boys.

"Why should we, love, when taking off Snivellus' trousers is so much fun?" Sirius crooned in my ear as he wrapped an arm around me.

I shoved him away and placed myself between the boy and his assailants; I took a defensive stance and aimed my wand at Sirius. "You have thirty seconds to let him down gently or you will find a favorite part of your anatomy hexed off," I warned.

"Got yourself a girlfriend, Snivellus?" Potter laughed, "Poor thing must be Confunded out of her pretty, little mind!

Without thinking about how I was supposed to keep my affinity with the elements I had inherited from my mother, my hand shot out. Potter was sent flying back with a well-placed jet of air. Mentally cursing for the stares I received from my strange show of magic, I aimed my wand at Sirius, who was regarding me with wary intrigue. "Put him down," I said darkly, "Or get ready for what your mate just got."

Sirius flicked his wand and the boy dropped to the ground. "Lucky your girlfriend was here to save your arse, Snivellus," Sirius grumbled. He stalked off to James' side, and sent me a scathing glare over his shoulder as he helped him to his feet.

"Oh Sirius," I sang and when he turned, I hit him with a curse that was quite popular at my old school back in the States, Sirius howled and clapped a hand over his forehead that had broken out in scalding, red boils that read, "Coward". I smirked and gave him a flimsy wave in farewell, along with a quick flick with a coil of water I had formed from the Black Lake. He yelped and sent me a wary glance, and then he and James returned to their fellow gang members. I turned to the boy, who was still on the ground. "Here," I murmured and offered him my hand.

He glared up at me and hissed, "I don't want your help!" He scrambled to his feet and scurried about collecting his scattered things. I looked at him with incredulous disbelief, but helped him nonetheless. He snatched the books and rolls of parchment out of my arms, "Leave me alone!" he snapped.

I gave him a small smile before I did as he so rudely requested; I returned to my spot along the lakeside, my book forgotten. I absentmindedly made some water of the Black Lake rise up and dance in spiraling movements. I heard someone approaching, and the water dropped back to its original body; I hoped it was the boy, but instead it was a girl. She was beautiful; fiery scarlet hair, enchanting emerald eyes, and skin more white than freshly fallen snow.

"Hi, I'm Lily," she greeted me with a flash of an equally astounding smile.

"My name is Kiley," I replied with a faint smile, and motioned for her to sit.

"How did you do that with the air and water? That was amazing! You're new here aren't you?"

"It's hard to explain, thank you, and yes- I transferred here from the States," I answered her plethora of a reply. "Hogwarts is very different from my old school."

Lily gave me a sympathetic smile and took me by the hand; her caring nature reminded me of my best friend, Emily, back home. "Don't worry, Hogwarts will seem like home soon. Now back to the main reason I came over here, why did you do that to Sirius and James?"

"Don't tell me you are friends with those idiots!"

"Well, James is my boyfriend, and the others are really nice once you get to know them," Lily explained with a faint tinge of pink on her cheeks.

"That does not excuse their behavior," I replied.

"I know, I hate to see Severus tortured like that-"

"-So his name is Severus?" I asked intently, finally a name for the enigmatic boy!

"Yes, Severus Snape." Lily's eyes grew wistful as she mentioned him. There was no doubt that she and Severs shared a history and one that didn't seem to be scotch-free. I watched her as she fell deeper into her memories; already wishing I knew more, I hoped she would do so. "So what is it like being in Slytherin?" she asked suddenly.

"I am not quite sure, I have only been a member a few days," I replied, "But I haven't been miserable either." The bell rang, signaling that classes would soon begin. Lily and I rose to our feet, hands still linked, and made our way back to the castle.

Later that day, after classes, I went to the library, and found it to be empty. I perused the foreign shelves, and pulled volume after volume out and after my arms began to ache- took a seat in a distant corner. As I lost myself within the text, someone cleared their throat. "Hi, Severus," I spoke shyly as I looked up.

"You're in my seat."

I flashed him a good natured smile and moved into the chair one over. I rolled my eyes at him, but resumed my reading. We sat together, yet still alone in our own worlds, for hours until it was well past curfew. I shouldered my book bag and walked out of the library; as I rounded a corner, an arm wrapped around my waist. "Now how did a rose such as yourself get Sorted into Slytherin?" Sirius purred in a pitiful attempt to win me over.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Severus approaching; our eyes met and I subtly signaled him to hurry along. "Because this rose has thorns, Black," I replied, and flicked a small burst of flame from a nearby sconce to hit his hand that was wrapped around me. He yelped, and I could not disguise my glee; all I wanted to do was punch him right in the mouth, but that would make things worse for Severus.

"When are you free for a date, love?" Sirius asked as he played with a tendril of my hair.

I slapped his hand away and mused, "I am free...the day after...never." I shoved past him and swiftly entered the Slytherin Common Room. I let out a sigh of exasperation at Sirius' antics. I saw Severus leaning against the sofa, watching me with his unnerving onyx eyes. "Good night, Severus," I mumbled and quickly left before he could see the blush that was settling across my cheeks. I fell into my bed, and still felt Severus' gaze crawling over my skin.

In Potions, Professor Slughorn had assigned us the task of brewing the Draught of Living Death; Lily and I worked vigorously on making sure ours was done to perfection. Severus worked alone at the table in front of us; he looked completely in his element, and a glance at the Marauders, whose table was parallel with Severus', told me they were trying not to botch theirs up. A few minutes later, I heard James snigger, "Watch this, Padfoot."

Severus was walking to Slughorn's desk, to turn in his completed potion in, when James aimed his wand at him. Severus' legs and arms locked together, and he started to fall; his potion went soaring out of his hand, and I whipped my wand and whispered, "_Accio!_" The phial came into my outstretched hand; I looked at James and Sirius and flashed them a victorious smirk. My smirk vanished when I saw that Severus was still lying face down on the dungeon floor. I knelt beside him and whispered, "_Finite Incantatem!_" I rolled him over, and gasped, "You're bleeding!" My hand dove into my pocket and handed him my handkerchief.

"Snape, Jenkins, what is going on?" Professor Slughorn demanded as he hobbled towards us.

"It's Jensen, sir, and Severus-" I began.

"-I tripped, Professor," Severus lied; he held my handkerchief over his bleeding nose and shot me a warning glare, "May I go to the Hospital Wing, sir? I believe my nose is broken."

"Of course, and take Miss Jettson with you."

Severus sighed and got back on his feet; we silently made our way out of the classroom. When we passed James and Sirius, I jinxed the stools out from under them and had to hide my grin behind my hand. "Severus, hold still," I said as soon as the door shut. He flinched when I aimed my wand at his still bleeding nose, "I am not going to hurt you. _Episkey!_" I sighed. Severus' nose popped back into place, and his only response was twitch. I turned to return to class, but he grabbed my arm and dragged me behind a statue.

"Why are you helping me? What do you want from me?" he asked and his hand tightened painfully around my arm.

"Ow, will you please let me go?" I exclaimed and wrenched my arm out of his grasp. "I am helping you because I know what it is like to be tortured by people every day!"

Severus rolled his eyes and scoffed, "Right." He looked me over and muttered, "I bet you're the one who tormented some poor girl, and now you feel guilty."

"Fine," I sighed, "Don't believe me, Severus, but I want to do is help you." I emerged from our hiding place and returned to class without as much as a glance over my shoulder. Lily looked at me and shot me a look that meant she wanted to talk to me later. I helped with the final steps and turned it in; the bell rang, and I made a swift exit.

"What happened? I thought you were taking Severus to the Hospital Wing," Lily spoke softly to prevent our conversation from being overheard.

"Severus' snarkiness," I grumbled and flicked my wand so that my hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. "See you around, Lily," I said over my shoulder and stalked off.

As I rounded the corner, I heard, "_Expelliarmus!_" My wand flew out of my pocket and my eyes narrowed at the Marauders.

"Going to hex an unarmed girl, are you? Just when I thought you could sink no lower, but I guess this just makes you oh so strong," I drawled and sneered at James and Sirius.

"For you, it's an exception!" Peter Pettigrew, a lump of a boy, squeaked.

"Well then hurry up, I don't have all day to kick your arses- because I actually do my own homework." I flicked my hands and sphere of water was pulled from the air, and a ball of fire landed in my palms. All my qualms about revealing my affinity were abandoned; these dunderheads were an exception too.

"What is the meaning of this?" Professor McGonagall asked sharply, "Miss Jensen, I am surprised!"

"Give me my wand back, Potter," I growled.

"I don't know what is going on, but this little feud has got to end. Detention for three nights at six o'clock, Potter, Black, and Miss Jensen."

"But Professor, Gryffindor has a Quidditch match tomorrow!" James whined.

I rolled my eyes and snatched my wand out of James' hand. "Insufferable git," I whispered and left before I was issued another night's detention. At dinner, I was sitting alone at the far end of Slytherin table and poured over my Ancient Runes assignment. Someone sat beside me, to my surprise, it was Severus; he jerked his head in greeting, but otherwise did nothing. I resumed my editing until it was time for my detention; when I rose to my feet, Severus did the same. I looked at him curiously, but left the Great Hall nonetheless. Severus followed, actually it felt like he was escorting, me to Professor McGonagall's room, then left as soon as my hand wrapped around the handle. I smiled, and swiftly ducked into the classroom, all the while wondering what that was about.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two  
_ Detention was nothing more than writing lines and mine were some nonsense about not looking for a fight in the future. I stalked out of the Transfiguration classroom and found Severus leaning against a nearby wall; I smiled coyly at him, and received a nod of his head in return. We walked through Hogwarts in silence, and I would peek at him, only to blush fiercely when he caught me. I don't know why I defended him that day along the lake, but I was more than glad I did. He was rude, suspicious, but I knew he was loyal to his friends...even if never intended to have them in the first place. "What do you think of the essay Slughorn assigned yesterday?" he asked casually.

"Simple, I already finished it during History of Magic. Although, I am having some trouble with my Arithmancy," I explained, my brow furrowed in frustration at the remembrance of the difficult problems.

"I could...help you," Severus replied tentatively as we descended into the dungeons.

"Really? Oh thank you, Severus!" I blinded him with a toothy, beaming smile. My smile broadened at his scowl, only because I knew we were making progress.

Months have passed since then, Severus and I have helped each other with homework every chance we got. One morning, I was leaving the girls' dormitory when I saw Severus talking with Avery and Mulciber. Severus looked on edge; I walked up to the group. "Leave off!" Mulciber hissed and Avery drew his wand.

Fear sunk into my heart and I looked at Severus with apprehensive eyes. Severus refused to meet my eyes, "Severus?" I asked softly.

He stared blankly at a far wall and drawled, "You heard them- get lost."

"I- I don't understand, you don't me-mean that," I stammered.

Avery flicked his wand and felt like a whip had been cracked on the side of my head; I stumbled back, and my eyes filled with tears. I brought my hand up to my burning skin; I eyed the three boys reproachfully. "That make you understand?" Avery mocked, and Mulciber laughed darkly.

I spun on my heel and ran before I got into deeper water than I could swim in; I sprinted blindly through the castle, until I heard someone calling my name. I lurched to a stop and stifled my sobs by biting my knuckle. "Kiley! What happened? We need to get you to the Hospital Wing!" Lily screeched as she frantically took my by the shoulders.

"Lily, what- bloody hell!" James exclaimed as he came to Lily's side. They flanked me and rushed me to the Hospital Wing. In one of the mirrors, I saw what had them in such a panic; half of my face was a dark red and looked black in some parts. "This looks like Avery's work- is that who did it to you?" James asked as Lily went to get Madam Pomfrey. I numbly nodded, black spots were masking my vision, and I was having trouble breathing. Before I fell out of consciousness, I heard James bellow for Madam Pomfrey.

"Go away, Severus!" Lily snapped.

"Is she going to be all right?"

"What difference does it make for you? You little Death Eater friend is the one to thank!"

My eyes fluttered, threatening to open, and I groaned when the pain was rekindled. Someone took a hold of my hand and murmured incoherent words. My eyes refused to open, and I slipped back into darkness with the sound of the door of the Hospital Wing slamming shut.

In truth, I did not blame Severus; I knew that he was delving into a cup with no bottom, and one that appealed to him so easily. I was hurt...hurt because after all the times I had defended him, he did not help the time I needed it. Because of his choice, his inaction, I was fighting for my life.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three_

"Miss Jensen, I want you to slowly open your eyes," Madam Pomfrey instructed softly. With great effort, I managed to open my eyes a crack; my eyes watered at the seemingly bright light, which Madam Pomfrey quickly dimmed. "There we go, take it easy," she murmured and carefully propped me up on the pillows.

"Where's...Lily?" I rasped.

"She and Mr. Potter are studying for their N.E.W.T.s, only a month away, you know."

I blanched, no I did not know, I had a month to review everything and learn all that I had missed. My heart pounded in my chest and it felt as though someone was sitting on my chest; I breathed as best as I could, and I looked to Madam Pomfrey.

"Calm down, Miss Jensen, you of all people- despite your temper, have nothing to worry about failing any of the exams. I will fetch the lesson plans you missed so that way you'll have something to do to pass the time."

When she left, a few minutes later the door opened, and I knew it wouldn't be Madam Pomfrey. Severus hesitantly walked up to me and took a seat in the chair at my bedside. "Hi, Severus," I muttered.

"I have the notes...for you," he explained and offered me the thick bundle of parchment.

"So now you are willing to help me? Save it, Severus-"

"-I didn't mean for that...I never thought..." I looked him over; sunken, defeated shoulders, he was paler than ever, and his eyes burned with guilt. "I lost Lily's friendship, and I don't want...you offered friendship and I will never deserve it," he said, leaning forward in his chair and covered my hand with his, "I am sorry," he finished.

Finally, my eyes met his; I saw a multitude of emotions flicker through his eyes. "Severus, I forgive you," I whispered, "But I will never forget what happened between us."

"Thank you, Kiley..."

Four years had passed since that day; Lily and I remained great friends, though we had not seen each other for almost a year now...the Potters were in hiding, from what- I did not know, and there was no way for us to be in touch. Severus, on the other hand, had vanished entirely- I had not heard of, or seen him for years. I missed his company more than Lily's; as time went on, and I aged, I realized that I had fallen in love with Severus in our Seventh Year at Hogwarts. At first, I was ashamed of my feeling, but now, I embraced them. But one night, it all changed.

It was late; I was reading _Julius Caesar_, a play written by some brilliant Muggle, when I was jerked out of my reading by someone pounding on my door. Thinking it was a Halloween prankster's last bit of fun, I ignored it. My door was blasted off its hinges; my wand was on my kitchen counter, so I summoned the water from my glass, poised to strike. A figure stumbled in, reeking of strong liquor, "Kiley," the person groaned. To my horror, it was Severus, garbed in a Death Eater's robes and mask; he was no longer the man I knew him to be, he had lived through a century of misery. "Gone...dead..."

"Who, Severus, who is dead?" I gasped and the whip of water splattered against my floor as my hands fell limp at my sides.

"Lily-" he groaned, making a terrible sound that wrenched my heart in two. I fell to the ground and could not find the ability to breathe. No, not Lily, she and James were safe- this couldn't be true. "I- all my fault- I wish...I wish I were dead," he moaned and clutched his head.

My mind went numb, and I could not believe it; Severus was the one responsible. No, my heart cried, I must have heard him wrong. With glassy, unblinking eyes, I watched Severus moan and cry out, falling deeper into his haze of pain. He was telling the truth, it was all his fault. "Get out," I whispered with lifeless rage. Severus looked at me, confused, and I screamed, "GET OUT! YOU KILLED HER!" I lunged at him and punched him; his nose cracked under my knuckles and then with my other hand I summoned the water that collected on the floor and whip him across the face. "YOU BASTARD! I HATE YOU!"

"Kiley-please..." Severus begged and weakly held up his arms to buffer my blows. His nose poured with blood, and a long gash ran along the top of his right eyebrow.

"I HATE YOU!" I shrieked and spat on him, "You killed her...Lily, oh Lily- it's all your fault," I whispered, hugging myself as I began to cry, "Never come back." Severus looked at me, his pale face glittered with tears and blood, his mouth moved, but no sound escaped. He Disapparated with a thunderous crack. Blindly, I repaired the door while my eyes poured with tears and my heart slowly faded away. My soul ached with the death of my best friend, and a blunt blade of betrayal plunged deeply into my empty chest. I struggled to remain conscious; all I could see was Lily's vacant, emerald eyes staring blankly at me. As my tears fell, my body grew cold and with each tear, another part of me was ripped away. My best friend was stolen away from me...and the man I loved, the one responsible.


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four_

I went to Lily and James' funeral, and I stood at the foot of their grave when everyone else had long gone. "Oh Lily, I need you here...your son needs you here." I whispered, my voice thick with unshed tears. I stood there, a lifeless statue holding silent vigil for the fallen warriors. A dark figure emerged from the shadows, when they saw me, they lurched to a stop. "Come to see your cause of victory?" I mocked, "Are you happy now?"

"You don't understand-" Severus cut himself off and his eyes turned glassy with tears. He blinked rapidly to keep them at bay, "You will never understand."

"Oh, I understand perfectly! You could not bear the thought of losing her to James, and if you couldn't have her- then no one else could. So you went and told Voldemort- his name make you sick, Snape? Now you know how I feel looking at my best friend's murdered- the one who took her away from her son." I spat and drew my wand.

"Wait," he murmured, but I Apparated away, swiftly returning to my home...I was finished waiting for him. I was a fool to think that he would change, and leave his beloved Dark Arts. When I arrived in front of my house, I was met by Albus Dumbledore.

"Hello, Miss Jensen, might I have a word?" he asked with a soft smile and twinkling eyes.

"Of course, sit," I led him inside and we sat down in my living room.

"I have come here to offer you a position of Ancient Runes professor at Hogwarts."

My eyes went wide and I gaped at my former Headmaster, "I hardly qualify, sir, surely there is another who meets your qualifications!"

"But you are the one Hogwarts needs, Miss Jensen."

"There is another reason isn't there?" I mused darkly, "Severus is there isn't he?"

"You judge him too harshly-"

"-Too harshly?" I hissed, "Less than a week ago, my best friend and her husband were murdered, thanks to him." My head fell into my hands as fresh tears surfaced; I looked up and saw Dumbledore's eyes glistening as well.

"He needs you...more than either of you will ever know. If not for him, do it for Lily, be there to protect her son when he arrives at Hogwarts," he murmured. He knew exactly what he was doing, he was reaching into my innermost thoughts and revealing the possibility of doing what I wanted to make Lily proud of me- protect Harry.

"But where was he when I needed him most? I almost died because he would not help me," I croaked and wiped away the descending tears. I felt the pain of Severus' betrayal returning, and despite my attempts, it would not fade.

"I know you love him...you may not for a time, but love does not fade swiftly. You loved him for the man he once was, could you love him for the man he is to be?" Dumbledore's words rolled about in my mind; there was no denying how tempting it was to return to my beloved Hogwarts. However, Severus was there, and how could I coexist with that murderer? "Severus is not the man you mark him to be," Dumbledore interrupted my thoughts and I looked at him with astonishment. Deep down and in all truth, I missed Severus just as much as I missed Lily.

"I will give you my answer by morning," I finally said. I shook his hand, and I walked him out. I fell against the door when it shut, and I slid to the floor. Could I find in myself to forgive Severus yet again; could I be near him and not burst into tears? I rested my head against the solid oak of the door; I looked across the hall and saw the single picture that I could bear to take down. It was of Severus and I, our faces were covered with the charred remains of a botched, experimental potion; my face glowed with my smile and Severus' lips threatened to curve up as well.

My eyes pooled with tears and my lips trembled; where had that little boy and girl gone, had it really been that long ago? I slowly rose to my feet and trudged to my desk. With a quill I wrote, '_I accept._' My tears fell and made the ink run down the parchment. I brushed them away and whispered, "Severus, please forgive me for the fool I have been."


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter Five_

I awoke to the incessant pecking of an owl at my window. I let out a muffled groan as I rose from my desk, and stretched my sore back. I took the letter from the vexed owl's beak and it took off; I broke the seal and read,

_Miss Jensen, _

_It is delightful to receive your acceptance of the offered post here at Hogwarts. You may arrive at any time, the wards have been set to allow you access to the castle grounds. _

_Sincerely yours, _

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

I set about packing my things, and even with magic, it took me far into the day to finally be able to depart. I sent my trunks ahead, and took one last look at the place I called home for nearly six years. My humble cottage was quaint at best, but it was suited for me. I smiled as I recalled the memories held within the faded-paint walls, and wished I could take all of it with me.

I closed my eyes, pictured Hogwarts, and Disapparated. I staggered to remain on my feet due to the rocky landing, but I could not help but laugh. I had landed on the border of Hogwarts' grounds; the sun was emerging from the thick blanket of cloud, and my mood lightened. I strolled down the word path and subconsciously went to the shores of the Black Lake. I sat along the sand and gazed out at the dark water. I ran my fingers through the rough san, and the memory of the day I met Severus glided through my mind. I glanced over at the elm tree, wistful, and wished that Fate would have been kind over the years. I touched the faint, nearly indiscernible scar given to me by Avery so many years ago...why had things changed, when life was truly and madly wonderful?

I felt someone staring at me; I turned and found someone standing off in the distance, alone. "Hello," I called out, still unsure as to whom the mysterious figure was. The person turned away and stormed off; I quirked a brow, but shrugged my shoulders and gave no further thought to them. The sun's warmth caressed my pale skin, and I reveled in the pleasant sensation. I heard the faint, bubbling laughter of the merpeople that lurked deep in the depths of the Black Lake...I felt at home. I was back at Hogwarts. The sun's heat energized me, and a brilliant idea came to my mind. I stood and began to dance; with each swing of my arm, and kick of my leg, small bursts of flame would erupts and dance along with me, before it vanished and was replaced by another burst. I laughed, and summoned water to spiral against the flames, and when I finally stopped dancing- I was out of breath.

I walked up to the castle, and went to the Headmaster's office. I made to go in, but the sound of a raised voice stopped me. "Why is _she_ here?" the voice was easily recognizable, it was Severus. There was few moments of soft murmurs before Severus shouted, "You fool, nothing will change!" The door burst open and Severus' eyes roved over me; my breath caught in my chest, and face grew pale. He sneered at me before he pushed past me, and I stared after him until he vanished from my sight

"Hello, Miss Jensen, do come in," Dumbledore beckoned me inside. I came up to his desk and bowed my head. "Miss Jensen, what is the matter?" he inquired.

"Professor, I do not want to cause trouble," I replied faintly.

"If you are saying this because of Severus' reaction- then I must ask you to stop," he replied, and added wryly, "And if memory serves me correctly, I do not believe you were afraid to cause trouble during your days here as a student. Don't worry, Severus will not cause you any grief, I assure you."

But that wasn't my concern; I did not care if Severus would cause me trouble, I didn't want to cause him pain by me being here. I was done hurting him; he didn't deserve the hurt I inflicted. "Very well, Professor Dumbledore, where are my chambers?"

After I had settled into my chambers, I went for a walk. I left the silent walls of the castle for the comfort that the shore of the Black Lake held. I leaned against the elm tree and closed my eyes; the enticing, austere aromas of the Forbidden Forest rolled languidly across my skin, and I let out a faint sigh. "I'm sorry, Severus," I murmured to myself, "So very sorry."

"Kiley." The very person I desperately wished yet feared, to see emerged from the shadow trees of the Forbidden Forest. I had not seen Severus for this long since the night when Lily and James died, and he still looked like he did not belong in the world of the living.

Fresh tears fell from my eyes as I sobbed, "I am sorry, Severus- I'm so sorry for everything!" I held myself in my arms to keep me from wrapping them around Severus. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Severus walk up to me. "I never hated you," I murmured.

"You certainly showed it," he drawled sarcastically, his face remained sneering down at mine.

"I was angry-"

"-At whom? Me? Dumbledore? The Dark Lord?"

"No!" I cried out.

"Then who-"

"I AM ANGRY AT MYSELF!" I bellowed, and my hands thrust down to the ground and a halo of fire erupted around us in my anger. The flames scorched the ground, and grew higher, more violent. Severus' flinched, and I quickly dissipated the flames. "I was angry for being so stupid- I should have been there- for the both of you...I was stupid, after you left I felt like I had lost you like I had Li-"

"-Don't! Do not speak her name!" he hissed.

I looked away and wiped more tears away. "Severus," I paused before continuing, "Will you ever forgive me?"

Severus sneered at me and stalked off; I watched him leave, what remained of my heart went with him.


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter Six_

For ten years, I had not spoken with Severus until one night. It was the night before the new term, and I was strolling through the castle grounds when I heard shuddering sobs. Hiding behind the elm tree was Severus; I reached out and touched his shoulder. He flinched as though I had struck him, "Severus?" I asked.

"I can't do it...it will kill me..." he moaned and wrung his hands. His lank, ebony hair hung in his face, hiding all but his hooked nose. "He has her eyes...precisely hers."

So that was it, Harry was finally coming to Hogwarts; I had seen a photo of him, and Severus was right- Harry had Lily's eyes. How would either of us be able to look at the boy and not irrevocably crumble under the grief? "We can do it, Severus, together," I said with gentle conviction. I laid my hand atop his, and for the first time, he did not recoil from my touch. "Does he know?" I asked softly.

Severus shook his head, and to my surprise, leaned into me. With a hesitant hand, I wiped away the tears that clung to his face, and he made no jerking action to my touch...his eyes were unreadable as always. I do not know how long we were hiding, but Severus stayed with me long after his tears had dried. While I stared at our still linked hands, I felt Severus' eyes on me. "Why did you come back when you knew I was here?" he asked suddenly.

"I missed Hogwarts, but I missed you more. Severus, I never should have said the things I did...the night the Potters were killed. You came to me, and I cast you out without letting you explain," I replied," I never should have left you." I ran a nervous hand through my hair, and looked around. "Do you remember in Sixth Year, when we almost got caught out after curfew by Filch?" I asked abruptly.

"If I recall correctly, we would have gotten caught if I did not put a Silencing Charm on you when those infernal hiccups of yours started," he mused wryly.

I laughed and argued, "We wouldn't have been out past curfew in the first place if you hadn't of dragged me out to the Forbidden Forest to collect fresh potion ingredients!" I was silently overjoyed that Severus was once again seeing me as the beginnings as a friend. I laughed again when Severus rolled his eyes and scoffed. His eyes dropped to look at our hands, he stiffened, and so I jerked my hand away from his. "It's late, and we should get some sleep while we have the chance," I said lamely. I came out from behind the tree and raced away from Severus. I did not stop until I made it into the sanctuary of my chambers; I stopped at my desk, and leaned against it for support. My heart was clenched painfully in my chest by an invisible vice, and I wished that my life could have been simple. I wished that I did not love a man who did not love only one woman...Lily.

Late that night, I was still awake, so I donned on a night robe, and ghosted through the barren corridor. I ran my hands through my hair, hoping to brush my troubles away. As I rounded a corner, I had to lurch to a stop to avoid colliding into another person. My wand flew up, and its lit tip was aimed between the person's eyes. "Oh! Professor Quirrel, I am sorry- I did not know it was you!" I gasped and lowered my wand hastily.

"P-pardon me-e, Profess-or J-J-Jensen," the poor fellow stammered and his hands flew to readjust the turban that had gotten askew. But I still saw the mottled, maggot-colored skin that started at the base of his neck. My hands shot up to cover my mouth as I gagged at the stench of decaying flesh emitting from his turban.

"Professor Quirrel, perhaps you should go to Madam Pomfrey if you are injured, it looks serious," I suggested gently.

"G-g-good ni-ight," Professor Quirrel squeaked and scurried away.

I watched his swiftly retreating figure suspiciously, why did he not want me to see the back of his head? I pushed the suspicion aside; I was only over-analyzing nothing as I always did. I went to the library and quickly went to the Restricted Section; now that I had full reign of the library, I took advantage at every chance. I lost myself in a book on vampires, but I jolted out of my reading by the faint pitter-patter of footsteps. I silently set my book down and crept into the shadows; I stalked the footsteps until they suddenly vanished.

An arm shoved me against a bookshelf, and a wand was trained at my neck. My fist shot out and connected with bone. I felt their blood spatter on my hand, and my attacker recoiled. I lit my wand and raised it, only to have it clatter from my suddenly numb fingers. "Severus!" I gasped and swiftly came up to him. His nose was bent at an unnatural angle, and blood ran down his face. I nudged his hand away and summoned my wand to my hand. I pressed the tip gently against his nose, and set it back into place with a silent Episkey Charm, and then Conjured a handkerchief. I held it under his oozing nose and finally looked him in the eye.

"Thank you for breaking my nose a second time," he drawled.

"This time was an accident- I thought," I paused and changed what I intended to say to, "I thought you were someone else."

"Who else were you expecting?"

"No one," I replied hastily while I dabbed away the blood that was still trickling down his face. He wrapped a hand around my wrist, and I begrudgingly met his gaze.

"Have you been threatened?" he asked sharply.

"No, I am just being paranoid, really Severus, I am fine," I argued gently. Finally the bleeding stopped, and I drew my hand away. "Have you noticed anything strange with the behaviors of our fellow staff?" I asked vaguely.

"You suspect Quirrel." The tone of Severus' voice was curt, and full of suspicion; he took my silence as an affirmation and asked, "What did you see?"

"I think he might be sick, the base of his neck and up was mottled and the stench of decaying flesh almost made me lose the small dinner I had," I explained, looking around warily. Severus did not say anything, but his eyes darkened with latent fury. Severus knew something, however, I knew better than to ask. While he was lost in thought, I took the time to take him in. The years had not been generous, his nose was still Roman and aquiline; his skin paler than a vampire's; but none of that deterred me. I knew I was no Madonna; my nose was a little too large for my face; my eyes were a mundane brown, and I was in limbo between an hourglass figure and the heavy side of thin. I loved Severus because he was perfect when all his imperfections were combined; he was the only safe whose combination I had to crack.

"Are you done staring, Miss Jensen?" he purred sarcastically.

I blushed fiercely, and nodded dumbly. "S-Sorry, lost in thought," I lied.

"Liar," he countered and stepped closer to me. He languidly rose a finger to his lips and peered around a bookshelf; my heart was pounding in my chest at his proximity. I listened for the slightest disturbance of the silence, then, I heard it- the faint shuffle of footsteps.

"Th-a-at was t-too clo-close," a voice mumbled, any of the staff could identify the keeper of that stammer, it was Professor Quirrel. "...sh-she su-suspe-ects..." he trailed off incoherently.

Severus pressed himself against me, a human shield, and the sensation of a raw egg being cracked on my head ran down my body. I gasped softly, and Severus' invisible hand cupped my mouth. Even though I could not see him, I felt his eyes on me. Anxiety and fear began to take root, and I prayed that Quirrel would not think I was a threat. The mumblings and shuffling steps faded; Severus drew away, and we both became visible. "Kiley, you are treading on a dangerous road."

"You act like I consciously chose to! Severus, I didn't do anything but advise him to go Madam Pomfrey!" I whispered hotly. My eyes shot sparks at his, which were returned; I sighed and ran a nervous hand through my hair. "I never wanted this to spiral out of control like this," I sighed.

"You are to sit beside me so that Quirrel won't try to poison you," Severus ordered.

"Really, Severus? Now who is paranoid?" I countered.

He glared at me, and walked away; I made my way out of the library, and returned to my chambers with a mind full of confusing thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter Seven_

The next day went faster than paper being consumed by flames; after thinking I had lost my lesson plans for the year, finding them surprisingly where they should be, I could relax. A knock on my office door tore me away from my last minute classroom preparations. "Hello, Professor McGonagall," I greeted my old Transfiguration professor and motioned for her to enter. I chuckled softly at the sight of her haphazard bun that was beginning to come undone. At her quirked brow, I explained, "I do not think I have ever seen your hair in such disarray- even when you are summoned in the late hours of the night."

She smiled with latent satisfaction and sat in the offered chair. "Well it is a good thing you are no longer my student- you were already trouble enough back then," she mused wryly.

I rolled my eyes and I summoned her tea and argued, "A few detentions does not qualify me as trouble." My hot chocolate and her tea arrived, thus a soft silence had fallen over us. She observed me over the lip of her cup, and when she lowered it, she asked, "How is Severus?"

"Why don't you ask him, he resides in the castle just as you and me?"

She chuckled faintly, "Always the same reply to that question, even after all these years. You two would always find some abandoned corner of the castle to do your experimental brewing."

"You knew?" I asked incredulously, almost spilling my hot beverage all over my lap.

"All of the staff knew what the two of you were up to whenever you vanished," Professor McGonagall explained, her tone light, "But none of us were worried about you two, you both were too smart for your own good when it came to Potions."

I smiled at the recollection and murmured, "It seems like it was a lifetime ago- I am thirty one years old now...and now Harry is going to be a student here..." I trailed off faintly.

"I cannot believe it either, I remember holding him as a wee baby," she said softly.

I looked up and asked, "How are we going to not fall apart when we see him? Does he even know about Severus and me?"

"He did not know anything about magic, how everyone in our world knows his name, and until recently he believed that Lily and James were killed in a Muggle car accident."

Outrage flared inside me, and I felt the strong urge to punch something. My hands clenched into fists at my sides, the room started to tremble and shake, and Professor McGonagall looked at me with cautious intrigue. "How could she?" I hissed, "How could Petunia, that vile, loathsome, piece of scum lie about Lily?"

"Kiley, calm down, you are going to have to learn to control that temper of yours," she chided me. I closed my eyes, and tried to slow the thundering storm that was crashing about inside me. The room ceased its movement, and the rage slowly dissipated. "I do not know why Petunia Dursley chose to lie to Harry, but there is nothing we can do," Professor McGonagall said, and glanced at my grandfather clock, "Look at the time! The students will be arriving soon!" She gave me a grateful smile, and swiftly departed. I went to my bed chambers and changed into a set of midnight emerald robes. I ran a comb through my voluminous tendrils and applied a light layer of mascara. I waited until the sun had dipped behind the distant mountains, and then made my way to the Great Hall. I took a seat at Severus' right, his left being taken by the crazed-looking Professor Quirrel. All of the staff waited for the students to arrive with baited breath; the older students filed in, completely at ease, all that were left were the First Years.

When they did, I immediately saw Harry, and the whispers erupted in the Great Hall. He looked about in awe, and he reminded me so much of his parents. I pushed the tears away, I would not cry, not now...when it was time for Harry's Sorting, silence swept across the Great Hall. As time trudged by, I thought Harry was going to be a Hatstall; however, the Sorting Hat bellowed, "Gryffindor!" I clapped vigorously, knowing that his parents would have been so proud. I glanced at Severus when Harry had begun staring at our general direction. Severus' gaze was fixed on Harry, although he pretended to be listening to Professor Quirrel; Severus was leaning forward, as though he believed Harry to an apparition.

"Severus," I murmured, placing my hand on his forearm, "Severus, you are staring." My touch jerked him out of his fixation, and he glanced at me. I withdrew my hand, and I passed through the Welcoming Feast in silence.

On my way to my chambers, I found Severus pacing the length of an abandoned corridor. "Come inside," I ordered gently and took him by the hand, leading him to my chambers. As I prepared him some tea, I saw Severus slink over to my bookshelves. He paused when he came across a particularly ancient potions tome; he reached out to touch it, but he stopped halfway. "Go ahead," I sighed well naturedly, and leaned against my kitchenette's counter, waiting for his tea to be done brewing. I smiled faintly to myself when Severus made his way to one of my reading chairs, and after settling into it, he lost himself within the aged pages.

I walked up to him and handed him a cup of steaming tea, and then took a seat in my reading chair. I watched Severus read for hours, only taking an occasional sip of his tea- completely oblivious to everything else. Soon, my eyes fluttered shut, weighed down by fatigue, and the last thing I saw was Severus still reading.


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter Eight_

I awoke late in the night, and found myself in my bed. I sat up and looked around groggily. "Severus?" I called out, but I was met with silence. I fell back against my pillows, and stared up at the dark ceiling. Shamefully, I was disappointed to have been completely oblivious to have been in Severus' arms, unless he had used magic...no, he would not have used foolish wand-waving or silly incantations. I slipped back into slumber, with a faint smile curving my lips.

The first day of classes went without any problems; I believe that to be because I was the new professor, thus no one dared try anything, As I dismissed my last class, I followed them and set my classroom's wards into place. I walked through the corridors until I reached one where I was entirely alone. I slipped into an abandoned classroom; to my surprise, there was actually something there. It was a grand, ornate mirror...Hogwarts' mysteries would never cease to amaze me. Cautiously, I made my way to the mirror, and what I saw therein cause my heart to freeze.

I saw Lily with her arm around me; my abdomen swollen with child, and she had a toddler on her hip, with Harry standing beside her. "Lily?" I rasped, and tears formed when she nodded. My hand reached out and whimpered, "Please come back." Lily shook her head, and her emerald eyes dulled. Four figures were approaching us, but when I looked over my shoulder, there was no one behind me. My hand flew to my mouth when I returned my attention to the mirror. Severus had his arms wrapped around my reflection, with a protective hand over my stomach. Two girls with glowing ivory skin, long ebony hair, and my eyes were wrapped around my legs. James and Lily observed the four of us with smiles on their faces. Tears fell down my face, and landed on the floor; what I saw was perfect, and I never wanted to leave. My heart faltered a beat when my reflection turned its head and kissed Severus.

"I see you, like so many others, have discovered the Mirror of Erised, Professor Jensen."

I gasped and turned to see Professor Dumbledore behind me. "Sir, what does this mirror do?" I asked in awe. I looked over my shoulder, to see Lily's living, shining face smiling at me. I turned and pressed my hand against the cool surface of the mirror. "I see Lily and James beside me..."

"The Mirror of Erised reveals one's true desire," Professor Dumbledore explained gently. He came up to my side and pulled me away from the mirror.

"Why can't what I see be true?" I whispered and wiped away my tears, "We look so happy," I added faintly.

"The mirror is as wonderful as it is dangerous, Professor Jensen. You must promise me not to go looking for it again," Professor Dumbledore said, and looked at me intently.

"I promise, sir," I murmured. As we left, I glanced back and took one last look at the world I wished I lived in. Summoning every ounce of strength within me, I left my best friend and love. Professor Dumbledore escorted to my chambers and bid me good night. Numbly, I muttered my password and entered. Exhaustion flooded my system, I felt as though I had run miles; I crashed into my sofa as my legs gave out, and I struggled not to fall to the floor as I rose to my feet. I caught my breath, and staggered to my bed. I fell asleep atop the covers, and didn't even bother to kick my ballet flats off.

The following morning, at the Head table, I was hounded as to why I looked so haggard. I faintly explained that I had not slept well, along with other lame excuses. Severus glared at me, clearly not believing any of my excuses, but said nothing. he later came storming into my classroom as I prepared for the morning class. "Drink," he ordered briskly, his tone leaving no room for argument. Delicious shivers shot down the length of my arm as our fingers brushed against each other when I took the phial from him. I undid the cork, eyed the potion, and then sniffed to make sure everything matched.

"Pepper-Up," I concluded.

"Oh, it appears I grabbed the wrong potion- I meant to poison you," Severus drawled sarcastically.

I smirked at him in silent reply, and downed the potion. "A certain friend of mine, the world's greatest Potions Master, used to scold me fiercely if I failed to verify what potions I was about to drink," I mused wryly. I sighed in relief as the potion began to work, when I saw Severus staring at me with intrigue, I asked, "What?"

"There's something different about you," he answered.

"It's called aging, Severus; it's quite ordinary and inevitable."

"No, it is something else, insipid woman," he replied. He came closer and my breathing faltered. "I cannot explain it," he added.

I blushed fiercely and turned away from him, wrapping my arms around myself. "You have changed too, Severus, perhaps more than anyone," I mumbled over my shoulder. When he said nothing, I turned around and found that I was once again alone.

That night, I dreamed of what I had seen in the Mirror of Erised, as I had every night since I had met that infernal mirror...

_Severus had his arms around me, his hand over my pregnant stomach, as we watched our daughters play. He nuzzled the side of my face with his and murmured, "Amonette and Pippa are going to love the baby, won't they?" _

_ "Well, that depends on whether our little one has their father's temperament when it comes to those two. If they do, then they are going to have to learn how to get a moment's peace," I replied cheekily. I rested my head against his chest and said, "Severus, I love you."_

I awoke before I could hear Severus' reply. I groaned as the morning's rays of light hit my face and eventually rolled out of bed. I looked around and my eyes caught the sight of another phial of potion. Without checking, having no reason to ever doubt Severus' capability in brewing, I drank the potion in one go. I swiftly got dressed and walked to the staff entrance of the Great Hall. As I walked down the narrow hallway, I suddenly grew severely lightheaded. I clutched my head and shook away the strange feeling with a few hard blinks. The feeling passed, and I continued to the door, but I never made it. The breath was knocked out of me and my legs gave out from underneath me; I fell to the floor, and before my vision went dark- my head cracked against the cold, stone floor.

Some time passed whilst I was unable to see, and I began to seize violently. Spit filled my mouth and foamed about my lips; thundering footsteps approached and I was propped upright in someone's arms. I gagged as I choked, my airway constricted, and something was shoved down my throat. A hand clamped my mouth shut, and instinctively I swallowed- then fell into darkness.

A cool cloth was pressed to my brow by an unknown hand when I regained consciousness. Hoping to find my rescuer, I opened my eyes, but found madam Pomfrey was bent over me. "I have you here in the Hospital Wing almost as much as those bumbling, blockheaded Quidditch players!" she chided, clicking her tongue in disapproval. Nonetheless, she bestowed a mothering squeeze to my clammy hand and smile. She leaned over me and carefully pulled away the hair at the left side of my skull's crown. "Almost gone, but the bruising will be around for a while. It will be tender, but you are lucky there was not a lot of swelling."

I opened my mouth to speak, but all that came out was a startling rasp. My brow furrowed in aggravation, and I tugged on Madam Pomfrey's sleeve. '_Who found me?_' I mouthed when I had gained her attention.

"Severus was the one who found you, lucky thing he found you before you bled out," she explained gently, knowing that the subject was delicate. "He told me to alert him as soon as you awoke," she finished, and left to do so.

I stared up at the plain, high arched ceiling of the Hospital Wing and fought to remain awake. Just as my eyes drifted shut, the doors to the Hospital Wing opened, and my eyes snapped open. Severus approached and he flicked his wand, erecting a Silencing Charm around us. He glared angrily at me, and so I asked hoarsely, "What...happened?"

"Poison," he replied curtly. He checked my pulse, and then gently cupped the side of my face with his hand. He turned it up to the light and mumbled something incoherent, there was no doubt that he could see the faint scar from Avery. "What did you drink that morning?" he asked.

"A potion, I thought it was from you, and so I drank without a second thought-"

"-That nearly killed you!" he hissed, his eyes glinting with a cold flame.

I looked at him with wide, startled eyes and recoiled from him. His anger puzzled me, and we stared at one another for a time. "Severus, I am sorry," I whispered, and averted my eyes. I heard him faintly grunt, and out of the corner of my eye, saw him leave. My heart fell at his abrupt departure; my head dropped into my hands, and my mind reeled with the tumultuous emotions that swept through me. I loved and hated Severus' complexities, just as much as he probably hated mine.


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter Nine_

It was Halloween when I was finally discharged from Madam Pomfrey's care; I was released after one last physical, and left the Hospital Wing just before dinner began. I took a seat between Professors Sprout and McGonagall, pointedly ignoring Severus' scalding stare. I enjoyed the whimsical conversations, and allowed myself to relax.

The doors to the Great Hall burst open and Professor Quirrell came scampering in. "TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! T-TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" he bellowed. He blanched violently, and lurched to a swaying halt halfway to the Head Table. "Thought-you-ought-to-know," he murmured incoherently before he collapsed face down onto the stone floor. Havoc ensued, the students' screams echoed against the walls at a deafening volume. I muffled the pandemonium as best as I could, but had no avail.

"SILENCE!" Professor Dumbledore's amplified voice rang through the Great Hall. His instruction went unheard by me; my entire focus was on Severus, who was sneaking out through the staff entrance. I glanced towards where had Quirrell had fainted, but found him gone. Suspicion was rekindled within me, and I slipped out of the Great Hall to find Severus. However, when I had entered the corridor, Severus was nowhere to be found. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and the air crackled with danger; I drew my wand and made my way through the castle.

Faint echoes of screams had me sprinting through the castle, my heart hammered in my chest in fear for what awaited me when I reached the source of the screams. A group of my fellow staff members were crowded into a ruined girls' lavatory. The breath caught in my throat at the sight of Harry and his two friends covered in rubble and grime, and what appeared to be an unconscious mountain troll at their feet.

"E-Explain yourselves, both of you!" Professor McGonagall stammered.

"It was my fault, Professor," Hermione explained, and continued, "I read all about them, and I thought I could handle one myself. If it weren't for Ron and Harry, I'd probably be dead."

However, Harry's wide, suspicious eyes caught my attention more. I followed his gaze, and found him staring at Severus' leg. My eyes narrowed at the sight of blood running down his trembling leg. My eyes met his, and I saw him swaying on his feet. I crept over to him, and pulled him away as the crowd dispersed. I guided him to my chambers. "Severus," I whispered frantically as he fell onto my couch. "What happened to you?"

"It's none of your business!" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"The hell it isn't! Damn it, Severus, all I have wanted to do for the past fifteen bloody years!" I cried angrily, "How can you believe that after all this, I cannot care about you?" I wiped away the angry, irksome tears that fell, and set about healing Severus' wound. To my horror, his wound looked like it was bite- but I quickly remembered that it was not the night of the full moon. I summoned some water around my hand, and it began to glow with my healing magic. Severus regarded me with reproachful eyes, and so I explained, "Trust me, Severus. I know what I am doing." I pressed my hand to his wound, and began to soothe the pain first.

His face warped with a pained snarl, my heart clenched at the sight, and I stopped to place my cold hand against his scorching, clammy brow. "Sto-" he began.

"-Severus, please, just let me help you," I interrupted him faintly, and began to finish healing his wound. Occasionally, I would glance at him, and would find him looking at me with intrigue. I blushed and averted my eyes; I sat there in silence at his feet for some time, and when I finally looked at him again, he was asleep. I smiled as I rose to my feet, and I brushed a strand of hair out of his face. I kissed his brow softly, "Good night, Severus, I love you." I whispered, the words tumbled so easily off my tongue; I didn't give them a second thought.

The following morning Severus was gone, as I had expected. I meandered about my chambers in a sleepy daze until I decided to take a stroll about the castle grounds; I waved to a few of my students, who greeted me as they passed by. The chaos that had only occurred last night had settled, and for that, I was grateful. I strolled about the shores of my beloved Black Lake, and thought about what happened last night with Severus. My heart clenched and bile rose in my throat at the remembrance of how severe his wound was. I lost myself in my thoughts, and watched the sun dip behind the mountains; I sighed under my breath, and returned to Hogwarts as the chill began to settle.

A smile grew on my face as I saw Severus coming towards me; my smile faded as his face grew cold, and he strode past me without a slight glance. "Severus?" I called softly after him, and he still ignored me. I attempted to follow him, but he was harder to catch than smoke with my bare hands. I leaned against a wall and my shoulders slumped with defeat.

"Ah, Professor Jensen, how lovely to you out and about," Professor Dumbledore said as he walked up to me. "Now come, Professor, why so forlorn?"

"It is nothing, sir," I mumbled and gave him a half-hearted smile. He reached out and gently squeezed my arm.

"Last time I checked, love's ails of the heart are anything but nothing," he paused for quite some time, until he finished, "Don't give up on him just yet." He gave me an encouraging smile, then left me to my own devices. I wandered aimlessly about the castle until it was time for dinner. Severus was not in the Great Hall when I arrived; I sat beside Minerva, who gave me a small, warm smile. I waited for Severus to arrive, but he never did. As soon as I had finished eating, I made a swift exit and retreated to my chambers before Madam Pomfrey wanted to look me over one more bloody time. I lit a fire with a quick shot of flame from my hand, and sat in the chair beside the hearth. Severus once again took control of my musings, and my heart dropped to my toes at my recollection of how he had blanked me.

"I heard what you said," rich, velvet, baritone voice mused from the shadows behind me.


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter Ten_

I lurched out of my chair, and aimed my wand at the shadows. Severus emerged; I breathed a sigh of relief, and lowered my wand. "Severus, what are you talking about?" I asked breathlessly.

He walked up to me and repeated, "I heard what you said." His proximity made my blood race, and he had me back up against one of my bookshelves.

"Severus, enough with the ambiguity," I mumbled, "Explain."

"I heard what you said and did when you thought I was asleep," he explained and his breath crashed against my skin. My blood ran cold, and my hands trembled violently; I tried to run, but Severus' arm barred my way. He gently held me by the chin, and his eyes pierced mine. The tears fell rapidly down my face and my shoulders shook with silent sobs.

"I am sorry," I whispered brokenly, "I never should have said anything." My head dropped into my hands, and I wished that I had never fallen in love with a man, who could never love me, because he loved my best friend. "I am sorry," I repeated tremulously. My breath caught in my chest painfully, and all I wanted to do was run...to never look back and torture myself, and ultimately shatter my heart until there was no hope for me. "Let me go," I pleaded.

"Why are you saying this?" he murmured, I could not identify his tone, and he removed my hands from my face.

"Because I am not her, I will never be her-" I broke off as my voice cracked, and finally, the sobs fell past my lips. I hated how much I loved him, how much I needed him, but I hated how much power he had over me.

Severus released me, and the last bit of my soul was stolen away. "You are right, you aren't L-Lily, and you never will be," he agreed faintly. Hearing him say those words shattered me irrevocably, and my knees crumbled. For some reason, he caught me and held me to him, despite my efforts to escape. "Listen to me, Kiley," his beautiful, liquid velvet voice said softly in my ear, "And I never want you to be. You are Kiley Jensen, and I never want anyone but you."

I looked up at him, confusion and desperate hope flickering in my eyes. "Severus, I can't-" I began.

"-You are going to let me finish! I never want you to be Lily because I cannot have you leave me too. You did everything Lily never did- you forgave me time and time again, and you remained my best friend...and now I know that you never stopped loving me either. As I think back on it, the night the Potters' murder, I saw your pain over losing Lily- but when I told you it was my fault...you looked so lost, and I could see your dwindling hope that what I said was not true. But then, you realized and your pain ravaged you."

My eyes closed, the tears still fell, and I did not dare to hope; I felt him take my hand, and then his other cupped my face. "Do not say anything you will take back, Severus," I said. I pushed him away as he tried to pull me closer. "Stay away from me," I ordered weakly. I felt him take my hands in his, and I looked up in surprise.

"I want you, Kiley," he murmured and took my face in his hands. He leaned down and possessed my kips in a heady kiss. His lips pressed insistently against mine, and my eyes fluttered shut. My breath caught in my throat, and my pulse thundered in my veins. His words rang in my mind, and I felt like I was going to be sick. He _wanted_ me, he did not _love_ me, I was only a temporary addiction, a quick fix to his primal urges.

I jerked away from him, and held my hand over my swollen lips. "Severus, I can't do this to myself. I love you, but I won't settle for less when I know that you will never love me," I whispered faintly. My eyes welled up with tears as I watched Severus storm away from me. I fell into a heap on my chamber floor, once again reminded that Severus and I would never be, Fitful slumber consumed me, and I slipped into darkness, curled in a ball on the floor. That night, I was haunted by the children and husband I never would be able to call mine.

From then on, I took my breakfast in the protection of my own chambers, and did whatever I could to keep away from Severus. I went on patrols only where I knew he would not be; every night, I was tormented by the paradise by the life the Mirror of Erised had shown. Many people came up to me and voiced their concern at my vacant existence, but I shrugged them away with a lame excuse.

"Kiley Suzanne Jensen, would you please eat something? You are paler than Severus!" Minerva hissed between thin lips as I played with the food on my plate, not the least bit interested in eating.

"I am not hungry, Minerva, and you are not my mother!" I snapped and rose to my feet; I felt Severus' eyes burn holes in the back of my head, and Minerva's follow with my concern.

"Professor Jensen, may I speak with you in my office, please?" Professor Dumbledore asked me as he followed me out of the Great Hall. Silently, I followed him to his office, and sat in the offered chair. "Professor Jensen, pardon my abruptness, but you have looked better," Professor Dumbledore mused. He grabbed a glass bowl full of sweets and asked, "Lemon drop?"

To his surprise, and mine, I took one and popped it into my mouth. Around the sweet in my mouth, I asked, "Can you tell me why I am here, sir?"

"Miss Jensen, what is happening to you? You are hardly the vibrant, enigmatic professor that your students adore- in all honesty; I would say you have encountered a Dementor."

"I came to realize that the dream I so desperately wished to be a reality is impossible, sir. This is me trying to cope and get it behind me," I explained gently.

"Is there anything I-" Professor Dumbledore began.

"-I think it would be best if I were to resign, Headmaster," I interrupted him, and finally met his eyes. I blinked slowly, and explained, "It would be for the best, I assure you." My determination, something I had thought to be gone, returned with a vengeance.

Professor Dumbledore looked at me for a time, until he sighed in defeat, "Very well, Professor Jensen, are you sure there is nothing I can do to stop you? You will be sorely missed here at Hogwarts."

"I will miss Hogwarts more than you will ever understand, sir," I said in return and held my hand out for him to shake. Instead, he pulled me into a grandfatherly embrace, and gently patted me on the back. "Thank you, sir," I whispered passionately. I swiftly left his office before he could convince me to stay.

Upon entering my chambers, I immediately began packing. All the years I had spent at Hogwarts, were safely tucked away in boxes, and then shrunk down. I sat down on the floor as the fatigue settled into my bones. In all honesty, I was guilty about leaving, but I had to get away. It would be better for me to leave, and escape the beautiful plague that resided in the dungeons of Hogwarts.

"So it is true, you are leaving," Minerva said as she entered my chambers. She gave me a sad smile, gently took me by the hand. "I loathe the idea of seeing you leave," she admitted.

I pulled her into a bone-crushing hug, and fresh tears started to fall. She returned my embrace, and I whispered thickly, "I am going to miss you, Minerva. You have been more than a friend to me over the years. Promise me you will visit."

"Whenever I can, my dear, but where will you go?" she inquired, her voice laced with maternal concern.

"I think Provence; the fresh air will do me some good." I explained. I released her, and said, "If you will excuse me, I am going to take my last stroll about the grounds."

"I would offer to accompany you, but you need to say your good bye," she replied. I left my chambers with Minerva following me, and then we went our separate ways. I took my time, knowing that every detail would matter in the end. Without realizing it, I had made our way to the elm tree where I had first met Severus. Overwhelmed by nostalgic memories, I fell against the tree and sobbed into the silent night.


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter Eleven_

I was right, Provence was just what I needed. After struggling for a three months, I had found a job in the local bookstore, and owned a cottage just outside of town. I soon fell in love with the French culture, language, and people. My neighbors welcomed me with baskets of food and Provence's legendary lavender. Since I was the new, foreign girl I was assaulted by a few of the men. Each time they asked me out for dinner or a walk, a sharp, sudden pain would pierce my chest, and Severus' voice would murmur my name in my mind. My employer would go out of her way to try to find me, "zhat speciale zomeone." I loved her dearly for it, but I wished she would realize that I was set for one man, and only him.

The best thing that would slightly help besides Minerva's frequent visits, was gardening. In my garden sprouted roses, dahlias, wisteria, and of course, lavender. When the warm nights settled, I would lay out in the tall grass and think of Hogwarts. There wasn't a day that went by where Hogwarts didn't call me back.

I was opening up the shop one morning, and began to prepare for the usuals to arrive late in the afternoon. The door opened while I was in the back. "Un moment, s'il vous plaît!" I called out, and struggled to make my way to the front desk without spilling the many book bulging in my arms. "Peux je aidez-vous?" I asked as I came down the main aisle. I peered around my stack of books, and the breath was shoved out of my body. The books fell from my numb arms, and I staggered away from the person. "Pourquoi es tu ici?" I whispered, turning violently pale. I shook my head and repeated, "Why are you here?"

Severus stood in front of me, an ebony-clothes anomaly in my colorful sanctuary of paper and ink. I was surprised to find him capable of remaining upright; he looked like a walking corpse, and his voluminous robes hung on him. "I came here to see you," he drawled.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm," I drawled in turn, "You need to leave."

"I am not going anywhere,"

"Kiley, qui est le? Es tu d'accord?" Clara, my employer, asked as she hobbled in on her cane. She regarded Severus with narrowed eyes, and came up to my side.

"Oui, il est un ami, et il est just parti," I shot Severus an angry glare.

"Hmm, zhou," she turned to Severus and pointed a knotted, bony finger at him, "Zhou look like trouble. Leave."

"I will not leave until I have spoken with Kiley."

"Peux je partie pour le jour?" I asked, glaring at Severus.

"Oui, à demain."

I pulled Severus out of the bookstore, and smiled in return of the strange stares I received. I swiftly guided him to my cottage, and pulled him inside. "Severus, you cannot be here," I murmured.

"Kiley-" he cut himself off, and quickly schooled his emotions, "-I want to know why you left."

I turned away from him and bent over the counter; I took deep, calming breaths so that way I did not demolish my house. "You know the answer," I murmured and looked at him over my shoulder. He turned me around by the shoulders, and he looked me hard in the eye.

"But I want to know if you regret it?"

That question caught me off guard and I placed my hands on his. "You know I do," I whispered, "How could I not? I gave up my life so that you could be happ-"

"-Happy? Having the most important woman to me walk out because of my poor choice of words, that was supposed to make me happy?" Severus hissed passionately and he fell to his knees, "Damn you for what power you have over me!" He grasped at my dress, and I looked away when the tears began to fall. Severus pulled me down to the floor and cupped my face. "Kiley, forgive me," he moaned.

"I already have, Severus," I replied and drew one of his hands away from my face. I placed a caressing kiss on his knuckles, and felt the hand that cupped my face twitch. "Severus," I warned gently, "I cannot handle having to walk away another time."

"Nor can I," he replied and pulled me closer. With hesitant fingers, he brushed through my hair. "I wish I had had the courage to stop you the day you left. At first, I thought having you gone would ease my troubled mind; alas, I could not have been more wrong. Kiley," he paused to clear his suddenly dry throat, then continued, "I...have come to realize that I need you in my life...permanently."

Before I could muster any form of a reaction, Severus' head dipped and he kissed me. Gentle, electrifying warmth passed between our lips, and that was when I knew I was forever lost. His arms came about me, and I drew myself impossibly closer; the kiss ended, as the need for air finally overruled. I kissed him briefly, "I fear this to be a dream, one that I do not wish to ever wake from," I mused.

He chuckled softly, and tightened his arms around me. To my surprise, he lifted me off the ground and carried me into the bedroom. "Do not worry," he mused wryly, "I will not expect-"

"-There won't be any expectations in that department until there is a wedding band on my finger, Mr. Snape."

"Gods, woman, already you are bossing me around," he drawled, but then murmured, "But I don't mind- for now.

"Severus," I paused to kiss him softly, then finished, "I love you."

_Epilogue_

"Amonette Snape, I am not going to tell you again, stay in bed."

"But Daddy, I'm not sleepy! Why does Pippa get to stay up?" my four year old daughter, Amonette, argued.

"That's because I was helping her brush her teeth," I explained as I entered their bedroom with her twin sister on my hip.

Severus took Pippa from me, and tucked her in bed. "You shouldn't be carrying them in your condition," he chided.

"Severus, I am pregnant- not deathly ill," I replied, and placed a hand over my swollen abdomen.

"Mum, when are you going to have the baby?" Pippa asked softly.

"Soon, darling," I replied. Severus wrapped an arm around my waist, and we bid our daughters good night.

"Amonette has a temper."

"I believe she gets it from her father, surely you've met him," I teased. I kissed him gently and murmured against his lips, "Thank you, Severus, for giving me my family.

"To you as well, wife." Severus sprawled his hand over my stomach, and pulled me into another kiss.

_**Fin**_


End file.
